“Teach us to care and not to care”. From, Ash Wednesday by T.S. Eliot.
The first time I really began to think about this line from the poem, “Ash Wednesday” by T.S.Eliot, I was in confession with our priest Father Lee. (You can see a portrait of him somewhere in my blog or on my site, for reference.) This theme of to care and not to care is a difficult one for me and the onion bloom of my soul—as it peels back— I can see how it is slowly working deeper into me.
Last night, I was listening to a portion of “Bird by Bird” by Anne Lamott while I was trying to cook tacos for dinner, and my wife was on a run while my daughters played together in the backyard. In “Bird by Bird” she describes her Father as someone who was a writer and worked from home writing, and she thought of the other Dad’s she knew who went out to work as teachers and lawyers and in other traditional professions. (Though I shouldn’t say that a writer is not a traditional profession, because it, it just maybe isn’t PERCEIVED as a very respectable one for a man to hold.) Anyway, I began to feel increasingly discouraged as I listened to her describe her Dad, and I eventually felt so irritable that I had to turn it off. I suppose I was triggered. AS much as I hate the phrase “to be triggered,” or to admit that anything would “trigger” me it was quite noticeable that I was in fact being triggered and so much so that I shamefully turned off a good book on tape. I did this in part also to avoid yelling at my kids, while cooking and watching them, which was already something quite stressful, but alas I was indeed triggered and I turned off the iPhone.
Later that night after the kids went to bed, I confessed to my wife that I was feeling sorry for myself (another shameful confession) and she- like the angel of a wife that she is asked me to explain- and I told her how I had been listening to “Bird by Bird” and how Anne Lamott was describing her Dad’s profession and that I in turn felt like a “total loser.” She said, why do you feel like a “total loser?” I said, well she was describing her Dad and how he worked from home and didn’t have a traditional job and how he she thought of the other Dads and how they had traditional jobs where they went and “smoked” together in some teachers lounge or something and that I felt my life was very similar to theirs. And she responded with, well who said that you were a total loser and do you feel that her Dad was a total loser? I said, yes. He is a total loser and so am I. She asked, is that what the book says, or is this your interpretation? I answered, “well, the book didn’t say that, I suppose it’s my interpretation.” She said, “Yeah. The way I remember the book is that Anne Lamott speaks so highly of her Father and admires him and that this is part of why she is a writer. So, what is going on inside of YOU that you think he’s a loser and you are a loser by way of extension?” Well, I responded, I don’t actually think he is a loser at all, in fact I admire him, but the culture will think he is a loser and I have a very similar life to him and the culture will think I am a loser too. She said, well then you have made it impossible for yourself to win. You’ve tried to suppress your gifts as an artist in the past and just do “stupid jobs” to make money, like working in insurance and etc, and you were miserable and felt that you were missing out on your calling, and now here you are making decisions that align with your values and really making progress and you still feel like a total loser, because you perceive that the culture thinks you are a total loser. Yes. I responded, how do I change? How do I see myself differently? How do I get rid of these feelings and this inferiority? I want to feel that I’m a success and I am so damned competitive and I can’t compete with these people who just go out and work jobs to make loads of money, it doesn’t suit me and I’m called to be an artist and a teacher and a husband and Father and I work from home and I have a studio in the backyard and I paint pictures and draw portraits and how am I to feel good about myself? I feel like Mark Driscoll would think I’m such a damn mess. Hilary responds. Well you need to stop caring about what they think. I know I’ve said it before, but you just have to figure out who you should be listening to. Don’t your friends love you? Don’t you have people in your life who speak truth to you? Don’t your parents love you and support you? Don’t your daughters adore you and aren’t they happy that their Father is with them so much? I respond, Well, yes. Hilary- Well then you have got to figure out how to not care about what these people think.
So, here I am today praying that God would help me not to care about the wrong things and to be able to discern the difference between what I should really care about and what I must let go of. I’m not perfect and I’m not claiming that all my decisions are right. Of course they are not, but I am trying to hold onto the words of God and to claim them as my own. “This is my beloved son in whom I am well pleased.”